By Allison Anyamele Therapist at St. Raphael Counseling, a ministry of Catholic Charities
The holidays are here! And with them comes an expectation from many directions — stores, ads, workplaces, friends, family — that we must be excited and full of cheer! We should be eager to pull out our decorations and plan our holiday meals. For some, this is the experience. But what about the many who approach this season with dread, sorrow and pain due to the loss of a loved one?
In addition to the salvific reality of these days, the holidays are a time of celebration and memory — remembering good old times with delight, creating new memories and living a holiday nostalgia. However, for those who are grieving, remembering the old times can be painful, and the reminder that there won’t be new memories with the loved one they’ve lost is excruciating. This time of year, the grieving person may well be thinking, “Can we just skip the holidays?” “How can I possibly celebrate?” “What is there to be cheerful about?”
For the grieving person, the holidays often bring up several experiences. There is a deep sorrow and dread of encountering the holidays without their loved one. Sometimes, there is even fear of how they will cope with the acute pain of missing their person. Could my physical heart literally tear apart on Christmas because the pain and longing are so intense?
Another experience is feeling the expectation to celebrate. It feels unacceptable to have the holidays be a time of sorrow, and people feel pressure to smile or fake it. That is asking quite a lot of a grieving person who may be just barely getting through a normal day.
Paired with these is the expectation that one should not bring anyone else down with their sadness — don’t ruin it for everyone else! Inevitably, this sends the message that “your grief has no place here” or that one should “keep their grief to themselves.” Thus, at a time when the griever most needs support, he or she is being shoved into isolation.
For the faithful, we’ll add a fourth experience: the internal conflict created by the question of whether sorrowing means a person doesn’t have faith. Too often, a grieving person is told, “Don’t be sad! He is with the Lord now,” as if that fact should wipe away the deep love, vivid memories and dreams of the future that will never be.
If these experiences resonate with you, I hope the following suggestions will help you approach this season with some bit of peace, relief or just less dread. I also hope these suggestions will enable you to keep moving in your grief rather than bottling it, getting stuck in it or pretending it’s not there.
Be flexible with traditions
The loss of a loved one changes us. You have changed, and so too might your traditions. Allow for omissions or adaptations to what you usually do. Perhaps you create a new tradition in memory of your loved one. Do not force yourself to keep traditions that stir up excessive anxiety or fear.
Plan for grieving time
Schedule into your days whatever helps you exhale — time alone, time with a close and supportive friend, time to cry, time to be “off.” In order to move in our grief, we have to turn towards it, even if it’s just for 30 minutes each day. Plan for this so that it is guaranteed rather than fit in after everything else or forgotten entirely.
Set reasonable expectations for yourself and for those with whom you will be spending time
Now that you have some freedom in which observances you will keep, adapt or omit along with scheduled grieving time, you are creating reasonable expectations for yourself. You are setting the stage within the reality of your grief, not trying to force your grief into a mold. Tell those you will be with about these plans and expectations you’ve set for yourself so they can join you in them.
Plan your exit strategy
Brainstorm, plan and even rehearse what you say if you need to exit holiday activities. Plan for who you will tell, what you will say and where you will go. For example, perhaps you decide you’ll tell just your sister (and she can relay the message) that you’re stepping out for some quiet and going on a walk around the neighborhood.
Remember why you grieve
We grieve because we love. Grief is the continuation of your love without the beloved’s physical presence. If you are proud to say you loved the person you lost, so too be proud to continue loving him or her in your grieving. Grant yourself permission to keep loving through the holidays.
At St. Raphael Counseling, a ministry of Catholic Charities of Denver and the largest Catholic therapy practice in the country, we provide assistance for individuals, couples and families who may be grieving a variety of losses — not just of a person but also the loss of jobs, expectations for the future, changes in a family (i.e. a child goes to college and moves out), etc. Be kind to yourself as you approach this festive season.
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St. Raphael Counseling, the largest Catholic therapy practice in the country, offers individual, couple, family and school-based counseling. Spanning the Archdiocese of Denver and part of Catholic Charities, our team of clinicians provides therapy and counseling in alignment with the teachings of the Catholic Church. Call 720-377-1359 or visit straphaelcounseling.com to get started.
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